Truth be told, there’s no rulebook for what makes a breakup “proper.” They come in all forms, some messier than others. Either way, pain is inevitable—the only question is, how does one soften the blow?
Before we dive into this, I need to make one thing clear. I’m neither a relationship coach nor an expert in matters of the heart. A hopeless romantic, yes, but that’s about as much qualification as three kids in a trenchcoat trying to enter an R-16 movie with a forged ID. No matter how long you’ve been in the relationship game, nothing can ever really prepare you for a breakup. To answer the central question, there’s no “right way” to approach something that’ll inevitably hurt and reach the same conclusion. What feels proper for one person might not work for another.
So, why am I here? I guess it’s to look at the ways we might soften the blow. In the same way saying “bless you” when someone sneezes and being careful not to elbow people in a crowd are universally considered polite, so too are certain ways of approaching the beginning of the end—or so we like to tell ourselves! Can’t hurt to be polite.
READ ALSO: Dating Apps Still Not Working? Maybe Online Love Isn’t the Answer
Proceed From A Place Of Courtesy
You might not love your other half the same way you did when things were heated and gazes were starry-eyed. “Care” might feel like a heavy word in some situations, and “respect” feels like it ought to be earned (though, ideally, you should still hold some measure of it for one another). But, at the very least, most people—and this is considering the person you were with did mean something to you—are entitled to courtesy.
Courtesy means not badmouthing them when you feel like it’s time to call it quits (or when they call it quits). Courtesy is, if you’re the one initiating the breakup, letting them know you need to have a serious talk at X time and X date, not “whenever, wherever, not really sure, up to you.” Courtesy is not ghosting someone who has the courage and transparency to reach out and offer communication, despite the pain points surrounding your current dynamic.
Courtesy is, moving onto the next section, knowing that you and the other person must end things in a way that feels human: face-to-face, talking like mature people.
Choose The Right Spot—And For The Love Of God, Do It In Person
In this day and age, the text breakup is commonplace. I’m not saying that you should never text “It’s over,” “I’m sorry, I’m breaking up with you,” or “I think we need to end things” to get your point across, but I am saying that these one-liners can’t be the final act. You mean to tell me that after investing time and care into someone, the most appropriate thing to do is hit a button and call it a day? For the love of God, don’t break things off through words on a screen if you can help it (unless you’re in a complicated LDR). Even a phone call or video call would be better, though those can still feel clinical.
Perhaps your circumstances are different. Maybe an online breakup will suffice for both parties. But it just feels strange to cut things off with nothing more than a few taps and a glance. If there was any love in a relationship, taking the time and effort to see each other in person—where tone, facial expressions, and other minute details don’t get lost in translation (because the last thing you need are regrets or unanswered questions)—is kind of a must.
This is where choosing the right place to end things comes into play. I made the mistake of conducting my last breakup at PAUL Le Café in U.P. Town Center, where I left my dignity alongside a beaten slice of tear-soaked strawberry shortcake, a hot latte gone cold, and an unfortunate stranger who had to uncomfortably watch snot dribble down my nose across the table while working on a Saturday afternoon.
Here are some suggestions, in case you’re thinking of venues (I know, it sounds like planning for the worst date in the world, but the last thing you need is to put yourself through a public humiliation ritual by raising your voice over jovial family chatter or barkada banter at a restaurant).
At Home
A divisive choice. On one hand, absolute privacy (unless you’ve got roommates), which means you can cry your eyes out and make a fool of yourself in peace. On the other, if it’s your home, you may not want to associate one of life’s more painful moments with a spot that’s supposed to be a sanctuary. But if you don’t mind the latter, it’s a pretty good place to start.
A Parked Car
In a parking lot or pulled over in some corner with a nice view. It’s like a home: you might associate your vehicle (if it’s yours) with a sad memory, but at least there’s privacy. If it’s a nice car, that adds some extra panache. And, if it’s not your car, you can always cry, walk away, and never have to find yourself inside it again.
A Quiet, Private Spot In A Park Or Outdoor Area
If you’d rather leave the past somewhere a little more public, but not as intrusive as a noisy restaurant or cafe, this is the choice for you. Pick a quiet pocket in a place like UP Sunken Garden, Kalikasan Garden in BGC, Ayala Triangle Gardens, or other green spaces across Manila, and make sure the lighting is decent, especially at night—otherwise, you’ll run the risk of making your partner feel like the subject of a future true crime documentary.
A Restaurant, Bar, Or Cafe: The Last Resort
If worse comes to worse and this is your only option, be sure to have The Talk on a slow day where crowds are less likely to be a concern (a weekday, usually). Make sure the spot is quiet enough, too, with decent acoustics. If you’re the crying type, avoid this. If you’re the crying type, but don’t mind being perceived as a nutcase or soap opera star, then choose a place with dim lighting so your wrinkly red face isn’t fully exposed.
Communicate, Then Give Each Other Some Space
I won’t outline what to discuss during a breakup; that’s for the couple to decide. My point is that communication still matters even at the tail end of a relationship. Set boundaries, know each other’s expectations, find compromises, and just listen. No one wants to set off triggers or alarm bells, and the last great gift you can both offer is understanding of what each of you needs to heal.
On that note, giving each other space is usually recommended. Some couples simply never speak to each other again, while others might find themselves all too eager to rush back into a friendship or return to how things used to be before romance entered the picture. Both are valid options, but they usually require space to come to fruition. Oftentimes, this gap is when you both start to realize what you really want and need; it’s okay if that turns out to be different than what you initially expected. Fresh wounds make you think differently; time and distance helps you realize what actually aches once the adrenaline wears off.
The thing about romantic relationships that begin as friendships is there’s a line that’s crossed, and it’s often difficult to return to. Ideally, you go back to being friends. Some former couples make it work, and they can count themselves fortunate if they do. Though, from experience and the stories around me, that’s seldom the case. Understand that the dynamic might not “go back” to what it was; it stings, but it leaves room for growth, and hopefully, something better in the horizon, whatever form that might take.
Don’t Publicize The Private
Last but not least, don’t publicize your issues if you can help it. Talking about your “ex struggles” in the group chat among close friends and family is natural, but demonizing someone publicly would be taking things too far.
This, of course, depends on the circumstances. Though, for the most part, do unto others what you want done to you. You probably wouldn’t appreciate your ex telling their IG Story audience that you’re the Antichrist. Besides, if word gets around, it might end up causing more drama than necessary during a period that calls for the opposite.
Saying Goodbye: Why There’s No Way To Make A Breakup Hurt Less
At the end of the day, breaking off a relationship is like putting a beloved pet out to pasture. No one “looks forward” to doing it—at least, no one who really cared or loved would. You know it’s probably for the better. You know, deep in your heart, that something you spent time “raising” with a person you deeply care about has gotten sick beyond saving.
Maybe they stopped trying to care for it, or you both—and this is often the case, for none of us are infallible—made mistakes that proved detrimental to its health over time. You know that keeping it alive will only cause more pain, or won’t do anything to spare it from its current state. Sunk cost fallacy kicks in, and you sob until you can’t feel your face. Or you retreat, put up walls, hide behind stoicism, and promise you’ll never give your heart to anyone or anything again. Whatever path you take, the blow is still a blow.
But I’d like to think that, amid everything, there are ways to make the goodbye as peaceful as possible. Assuming the relationship was somewhat amiable, give that darling pet one more good day under the sun. Watch it close its eyes and rest its head on your lap. It’ll still hurt, but at least you were both there to see it through, under circumstances that are—as far as ending a chapter and opening the door to starting over go—as ideal as they can be.
Frequently Asked Questions
There’s no single “right way” to handle a breakup, as what feels proper for one person might not work for another. Still, there are ways to soften the blow, including approaching the end of a relationship with courtesy, communication, and an understanding of each other’s need for space.
If circumstances allow, breaking up in person is generally presented as the more human approach. A text can get the point across, but it shouldn’t necessarily be the final act, especially after investing significant time and care into a relationship. A phone or video call may be preferable when meeting in person isn’t possible, such as in a complicated long-distance relationship.
A breakup conversation is best held somewhere that allows both people to communicate without unnecessary distractions or public embarrassment. Options include at home, in a parked car, or in a quiet, private outdoor area. If a restaurant or cafe is the only option, choosing a quieter spot on a slow weekday can help keep the conversation private.
Giving each other some space after a breakup is usually recommended. While some former couples may eventually return to a friendship and others may never speak again, taking some time apart can help both people understand what they really want and need once the initial emotions have settled.
For the most part, it’s better to keep the details of a breakup private. Talking about your struggles with close friends or family is natural, but publicly demonizing an ex can create unnecessary drama during an already difficult period. As the article puts it, do unto others what you want done to you.
